Shades of Gray
by biteme4realz
Summary: My arms were shaking. To calm down, I started to run, not daring to glance in the direction where I could feel Collin’s eyes staring after me. -- Mandy Call is Embry’s younger sister, Collin’s imprint, and the youngest member of the wolf pack.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**

_This story was inspired by the character of Mandy that fanfic author Wingtear created in her story Doing What They Shouldn't Be, a sequel to Nessie & Jacob Sitting in a Tree. Mandy Call is Embry's younger sister, Collin's imprint, and the youngest member of the wolf pack. In chapter eleven of Wingtear's story, Nessie finds Mandy crying in the woods. Collin joins them and it all culminates with Mandy slapping him. I was so intrigued by this scene and by Mandy and Collin as characters that I wrote my own fanfic for them. _

_I am very appreciative to Wingtear for setting up that scene. I have used the dialogue from her Chapter Eleven, reproducing it from Mandy's perspective for the scene with Nessie and Collin in what is my Chapter Two. The three essential plot elements I changed from Wingtear's stories are: 1) the wolf pack is not much bigger than the pack we read about in the clearing at the end of Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, 2) Embry has not imprinted, and 3) Mandy hides her thoughts through her love of science and her ability to be governed completely by her wolf senses._

_As for Collin, the Cullens, and the world of werewolves and vampires living in and around La Push, WA, I gratefully acknowledge Stephenie Meyer. All of the back-story she created, I have freely trespassed upon in writing my own._

**Chapter 1**

When Rachel came bounding into the kitchen this morning to see if I wanted to go play at the park with our friends, I didn't even think before quickly downing the rest of my cereal, pulling my hair back in a ponytail, and chasing after her out of the house. Now hiding in the tunnel slide during a game of sardine tag, I cannot help but think I should have been a bit more thoughtful about my decision to come.

Tag used to be my favorite game at the playground. Desperately swinging from bar to bar, catching my breath between shrieks of laughter, scaling the outside of the slide, and squeezing between banisters; all in an effort to follow the "you can't touch the ground" rule while evading dangerous fingertips threatening to make me "It," tag had always been my reminder that I was still a kid.

But childhood seemed a million miles away right now. No longer was it effortless to squeeze between banisters with my hips busting out in obnoxious curves. No longer did I feel the freedom of soaring from bar to bar; instead I felt the obstacle of my expanding chest rubbing against the inside of my arms. No longer was it even a challenge with my supernatural strength to evade reaching fingertips. I had to pretend for my friends that it was difficult for me to climb, to run, and to dodge. Although I was still technically twelve-years-old, soon to be thirteen in a month, my body had shoved me right into adulthood, alienating me from the games and acquaintances that used to fit so well.

But the truth was I had never fit in. Tag gave me that semblance of normalcy to other kids my age but that was about where our similarities ended. Unlike most kids in La Push, I had traveled for extended stays up and down the western seaboard with my restless mother and responsible brother. "Restless" was mom's word for being unable to distract herself from her life. Heartbroken would have been a better way to describe her, a better way to describe all of us. Even though I did not know many of the details, her heartbreak had not only defined but determined my life.

From the stories my brother Embry told me through the years, she had been involved with someone in La Push since she was a teenager. I didn't think anyone realized how long and involved the affair had been, except for Embry and me who felt its daily effects. Growing up in Makah, she had been invited to a school dance in La Push during her sophomore year in high school. After that she began hanging out with the La Push crowd with some regularity but no one thought anything of it until she moved here, an infant Embry in tow, no husband, and with apparent severed ties to Makah and her parents. I always wondered why she had stuck around so long with the gossip that followed her move; but I guess some ties are too hard to sever, no matter the cost of staying near. There were some ties that couldn't be cut or you would risk losing yourself too.

After a decade went by, the whispers stopped. Those who smelled scandal got bored. And even though she stayed away from the other women in La Push, the Call home still had many visitors for Embry in those days. Friends of his from school would come over and my mom would chat here and there with their parents. It had been me, her second pregnancy that destroyed the delicate balance my mom had created to coexist with the tribe.

By the end of her pregnancy she was an emotional mess, finally having lost hope after fifteen years that she could ever really have or be with the man she loved, the father of now two of her children. So she left with a twelve-year-old Embry and they moved to California. I was born there four weeks later.

Embry told me that when they finally came back to La Push after two years away, no one really suspected her of anything more than having had an accidental pregnancy. No one would have guessed it was an affair, and especially not the same affair that had brought her to La Push in the first place. But now that I had started shape shifting, the other wolves knew. They were shocked and embarrassed to understand the truth that my mom had been involved with one of the Quileute elders all of this time. It meant that Embry and I had at least one half-sibling in the pack.

When my mom, Embry, and I moved back to La Push, my mom was finished with even trying to be normal. She worked odd jobs usually in Port Angeles, talked to no one except for the sitters she found for me during the day, and rented a house on the edge of town, only to leave again with a few hours notice. Embry, either by nature or forced into it by circumstance, was always independent and handled being taken in and out of high school in stride, working out projects with teachers that he could do on the road. He could have stayed. His best friends Quil and Jake often invited him to stay and live with their families but he was too worried about me to leave.

In some ways becoming part of the shape-shifting that has sustained the tribe was a relief. It meant that my brother was really my full-blooded brother, that we were bonded by more than just our emotionally absent mother, that his parent-like care for me through the years could somehow now be understood. If I was honest, it was also comforting to have an explanation for why my first memories were of abandonment by Embry and not my mother.

After all of his close care, Embry forgot to pick me up from daycare when I was three-years-old. It was the day he phased for the first time. He couldn't possibly have come to get me. Nonetheless it is my first memory and it stuck with me because it was the first time Embry did not pick me up. I remember all the other kids going home from the daycare some lady in La Push ran out of her house and there I was left to take a nap and stare at the light creeping around the darkening shades in a bedroom that I could not settle down in. It was the first time I ever felt alone.

He was actually protecting me by staying away, not trusting his ability to hold his human form together. Being around my mother, this is an understandable worry. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for him to watch her emotionally ignore me and blame him whenever some form of neglect was evident. So he kept as far away from me and mom as possible. Mom got so mad at his absences, his lack of care as she called it, that she stayed away too. For over five years, she took me and wandered.

Embry eventually found us in San Juan, California, earning our keep on an organic farm that was part of a large artist's collective. I was helping to build a cob oven with some of the older kids on the farm, when this hulking shadow came bounding across the field singing at the top of his lungs, "Dee Dee, didalee dee. Jumps up high, my Maaannndy. Spins around, touches the ground, that's my didalee dee."

It was Embry. I couldn't help from shouting it; half to convince myself that this stranger I saw coming across the field was in fact my brother and half because my heart couldn't possibly contain the joy that overwhelmed me. I remember seeing out of the corner of my eye my fellow cob builders just gape at me, more surprised by my reaction than by the giant Embry. It had taken a long time to convince them that I could even talk. I had been so shy when we first arrived, and here I was shouting.

But their reaction is something I can only remember now. Because as soon as I heard this silly song which took me back to some vague feeling of toddlerhood before everything changed with him, I was being jumped up in the air, spun around, and briefly hung upside down to brush the ground with my hair, then spun back upright for a kiss as if I still was two.

Embry spent several days with us there learning about my life with these artists and praising my own budding artistic abilities. At nine years old, I was introduced to charcoal drawing and I think it's safe to say that Embry and charcoal have been my saving grace in this very short life of mine. It has given me a way to express and understand feelings that I never could in words.

Embry was anxious to get me home to La Push though, which meant reconciling with mom. They talked about different scenarios of him and me just living together but without a confident source of income, Embry was forced to try and convince mom to come back too and they would make a go together of giving me the most normal life they could.

I have to hand it to mom. She has been surprisingly stable since then. For three years now, she's had the same job, we've lived in the same house, and while none of her personal demons have gone away, she has held up her end of the bargain she made with Embry, and my life has been if nothing else, stable.

But familial stability was not enough, not enough to keep my body together. I phased for the first time six months ago when I was on the Makah reservation for an exchange program with school. Finally getting a more traditional classroom learning experience, my teachers and I soon realized I had an aptitude for science, and I quickly immersed myself in every opportunity I could get my hands on to begin real lab experiments.

When I saw a flyer on my Earth Science teacher's desk for a program for gifted junior high students to study at Makah High School, I didn't think twice about applying. It meant living in Makah for a semester, taking specially arranged physics, math, chemistry, and English classes at the high school. This sounded like my idea of heaven: away from home, studying science. Makah is the only high school in the area with an advanced Chemistry lab since their science teacher Mr. Yuel has a Ph.D. in everything it seems and could have taught anywhere but is from Makah and wanted to be near his home.

I stayed with this really wonderful family who thankfully knew nothing of my mother and our past and it was the first time I could just be me, Mandy, without my mother's baggage. Embry would come to visit almost everyday so really I was lacking nothing and would have been happy to stay, maybe even trying to transfer to the Makah school district.

But happiness was not meant for me. Mr. Yuel had begun showing me some of the research he had done in genetics, when Embry became insistent that I come home soon. Apparently mom wasn't doing well with my absence so rather than extending my stay, I would have to come home early. Falling asleep that night after talking to Embry, all I could think about was how much I hated my mom, how she ruined my life and how I didn't care if she "wasn't doing well" because I had found something I was good at and enjoyed and people who actually showed an interest in _me_.

When I woke up I was still seething but didn't realize how seriously wrong I felt until I was almost at school. I thought I was about to throw up, so ducked into the woods near the school and tried to heave. Instead, I found myself shaking uncontrollably. The ground was spinning or I was spinning, it was all confused and everything started to go blurry. And then it stopped just as suddenly and I wasn't Mandy anymore. Or I was but buried, lost in layers of fur, four wolf-looking legs, and a million new sensations. The most forceful was the smell that had meant nothing to me a few seconds before but now was my lifeline. It was Embry. He was nearby. I never realized he had a smell but now the trees and soil were full of him. I tried calling out but of course had no voice. Then I stopped dead in my tracks too startled to keep going. He was there. Embry was there in my head calling back, telling me to calm down. I heard him shouting to somebody else in my head telling them exactly where I was and to hurry and meet me and then telling me to stay in the woods but try to head toward La Push.

Head toward La Push? Fear, panic, my human self was beginning to resurface in a hurry. I had no idea how to get back. But then Embry's smell caught my attention again. I was a wolf. My instincts told me what to do: follow his scent home. Of course, I realize now why his scent was so strong on the route back and forth from La Push to Makah. He had been coming and watching me everyday, probably most of everyday, from these woods, knowing that I was close to phasing. We had all witnessed the growth spurt over the last six months but it must have been the sudden temperature spikes that really alarmed him. My mom needing me back had just been an excuse to get me home so he could keep a better eye on me.

My nose followed Embry's scent easily, which left me to figure out the jumble of voices I kept hearing in my head. Embry was berating himself and cursing Jacob for being on patrol today so far from Makah. It was a bit disorienting to say the least to hear every thought he was having. I didn't think I wanted to be this close inside my brother's head. So instead I began listening with my wolf ears to the steady rhythm of my paws hitting the ground, branches being stretched and snapped out of place as I passed by, and then suddenly the thudding of another set of paws coming toward me.

I came around a corner and stopped utterly shocked at the size of the wolf Embry had sent to come and meet me. Was that what I looked like now too? I glanced down to see whether or not my legs and paws looked as big as what I had just seen. Then I heard what I assumed was his voice in my head, relief mixed with introduction.

"_Mandy, I'm Collin. Embry sent me to find you and bring you home. There—"_

But he stopped because at that moment I looked up from the ground and met his eyes. A whine escaped my throat as my head was bombarded with feelings, commitments, changes, that were more overwhelming than the foreign paws connected to the furry legs I had been looking at a moment ago. The world held absolutely still for one moment as we stared and I saw my wolf reflection for the first time in his eyes. My past, my human self, all of it disappeared. The charcoal wolf before me was all that I saw.

A buzz started on the edge of this perfect moment, threatening to break in. The buzzing got louder and I realized it was a myriad of voices all mixed together, yelling with various tones of joy, amusement, even anger but I couldn't understand any of them. I wanted to stay unbothered, absorbed by the wolf in the woods, and consumed with wonder. But a louder, firmer voice suddenly cut in and stopped the noise with one command: _"Bring her home Collin."_

The next thing I knew we were on our way home. My charcoal wolf was leading the way next to me slowly, every once in a while shaking his head. I wasn't sure what to say and never having spent a lot of time talking in human form, I just let my mind wander content to just have him near, no matter what else was happening.

I thought about Embry and how I heard him in my head and concluded he must be a wolf as well and that the wolves could all hear each other. That made me pause for a moment and Collin answered the unformed question.

"_Yes, as wolves, we hear all of each other's thoughts all the time." _

And then again before I could connect the words in my mind,

"_Yes, Embry can hear you. If you focus on him, you'll hear his mind too."_

Pulling my mind away from our conversation, I tried focusing on Embry. Before it had seemed easy to locate him in the jumble of voices. Now I had to almost mentally call to him to pull my mind away from the wolf next to me. But instead of the brother I had always known, I heard an irate stranger.

"_I'm waiting near home. Hurry."_

Confused by his anger and sudden silence, and needing reassurance, I listened for Collin who seemed to know my questions as soon as I felt them.

But he wasn't listening to me. "_Control yourself. She cannot hear this right now." _He was hurt, a little angry, but mostly just scared.

Listening to him, I realized the fears were surrounding me. Confused, I stopped, ready to ask him what that was about. But he shook his head and kept on going.

"_Now's not the time. I'm sorry you heard any of that."_

Shocked. Hurt. I was locked in emotions so enormous, even my huge wolf self couldn't contain them. It was heartbreak and it overwhelmed me with a vice grip on my chest. Pain shooting out from my heart into every corner of my body made me stop and gasp to catch my breath.

Strangely, my mind became intently focused on the way the ferns bent under my paws, refusing to think about the emotions my body couldn't control. My paws were aching, I needed to howl but my feelings were mixed with his and the confusion and panic in his thoughts were coming to the fore.

"_I don't know. Nothing happened. What can I do? No, she's collapsed. I can't hear her either."_

My mind was waking up. I broke my focus on the crushed fern under me. What happened? Timidly, I met Collin's gaze who had come up right next to me, beseechingly.

"_I can stand up,"_ I told him.

It took me another few seconds to act on that thought but finally I rose and began to walk away in the direction we were heading before this devastation had overwhelmed me.

His thoughts were racing in an effort to discover what was wrong with me, to discover what had happened.

"_You're…hopeless?" _

He was struggling to think of the right word to describe the tenor of my thoughts. And again my mind, a little more slowly this time, thought about his fears to be near me right now and my realization that whatever my wolf self seemed to think about him as mine, he was not.

"_I'm yours. Please I—"_ he broke into my thoughts and then stopped just as suddenly.

It was strange. His mind suddenly went completely blank, as if a television had just been switched off. Searching for his signal, looking right at him as he slowed his gait, I finally heard him switch back on.

"_There is a lot to explain," _he began mysteriously. Later on I would find out about Jacob's alpha-command to bring me home before explaining about the moment though Collin continued as if nothing had happened. _"First things first, you need to meet the rest of the pack and figure out how to phase back to human."_

I was stunned. I had to figure out how to be human again? _"But I don't even know how I turned into a wolf in the first place?"_

He found this thought hilarious and let out a cough-like bark, which I supposed was the best he could do to laugh in wolf form. It was in this light-hearted mood we came near the edge of the forest, and I could see my house not far away.

I caught two scents then. One was a pile of clothes waiting for me nearby, which I assumed Embry must have brought, and the other was a mix of other wolves approaching. Collin angled closer to me as the five wolves appeared.

"_Welcome to the pack Mandy. I know you have a lot of questions and there are many things we need to explain to you as well but right now we are going to get you human and in your house so you can rest. Embry's inside and will take care of you, especially since the one thing you should know is that we must keep this secret even from the members of our tribe for their protection. This means your mother does not know about Embry and will not know about you either. Anything you need, Embry will help you."_

There was such authority in Jacob's voice, one of Embry's best friends for as long as I could remember. It was so strange to see him like this. He always seemed like such a goofball. Then again, so had Embry.

I heard several wolves bark laughs and Jacob smiled in his thoughts but I glanced at Collin wondering if he would be there with Embry to help me too?

"_I'll stay close. I promise."_

Then I felt Jacob guide me through the change in his head, showing me how he harnessed the heat at the tips of his paws, as if he were drawing strength right out of the ground and pushing it inwards, then using that power to stand up and walk forward as a man. He was sort of chanting in Quileute, _I am wolf. I am man._

I could feel the energy he showed me begin in my own paws, the ground almost felt elastic like it was building up in my legs propelling me upwards. I couldn't help but take a step forward because the energy felt like it might burst inside me, and then I was Mandy again. And I was naked! Thankfully realizing all the wolves had quickly disappeared during Jacob's mental phasing presentation, I grabbed my clothes and got dressed. All I could think about then was getting inside. It was the most disoriented I had ever felt. I needed to lie down, get to my bed. What was I going to tell mom about me being back early from Makah?

The back door opened and Embry came to meet me. I gave a weak smile and nearly tripped but a hand caught my elbow. It took me a minute to realize who it was. His eyes were the same but who was the rest of this man? This man who now looked at me like he adored me. I involuntarily jerked away from his hand mumbling I was fine.

Embry caught me around the shoulders instead and steered me the rest of the way inside. Before going through the door, I looked back at Collin who was still standing where I had left him, pain distorting his eyes. But I was too tired to process anything. All I wanted was my bed, where I instantly fell asleep for the rest of the day and following night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The next several weeks are hard to remember. It was like living in a nightmare of confusion, anger, and sleep. I have no idea what I said to my mom during this time. Embry must have screened most of my behavior from her because when I finally started to come out of my daze, she seemed to treat me like I had been sick for a while.

The only relief I found was in sleep when I saw the charcoal wolf, my wolf, who was just there with no need for anything more than to keep me company as we trekked through the surrounding forests, pausing at rocky cliffs to stare out over the ocean and at the moon. No questions were demanded or explanations needed. We could just walk.

Unfortunately my real life held none of this untroubled peace. Embry hovered, literally followed me from room to room in the house worried if I looked despondent, worried if I showed too much energy. Collin was at our house every hour it seemed, taking a permanent spot on the couch with his laptop and several enormous books in hand; eager to look up if he thought I might venture into the living room, which I rarely did, unless my mom called me in.

But even if I could try and avoid Embry and Collin, I couldn't avoid my enormous, growing body. Clothes that fit the day before would suddenly be too small. The desks at school seemed child size, and I even outgrew my bed. Realistically I was no taller than 5 ft. 8 in. but at thirteen-years-old this was ridiculously huge.

Strangely enough when I wasn't brooding over my odd size, and misshapen features, studying my different body parts for the remnants of childhood, I would suddenly explode with energy. Usually it was angry energy at how I just wanted my life back, my body back, how I wished none of this had happened.

My life had been good in Makah. It had just been me and my dreams. Now, not only was I no longer me, but I shared the dreams of the entire pack, the entire Quileute tribe. I had this Quileute identity that actually seemed to exclude me. Ironically, it was in these moments when I most wanted my own life back, that I would be propelled literally into my wolf life, losing myself once again.

It had been in one of these nostalgic moods that Rachel caught me this morning. She was part of that old life I longed for, an acquaintance, if not a friend for a couple years now. It was true we were never close but she was easy to get along with and there she was this morning offering me a normal day with normal kids. Sitting here now though in a tunnel that's too small pretending to fit in is more of a reminder of what I've lost and what I now am, than an escape from it.

And I know he's watching. Jacob makes somebody from the pack watch me all the time just in case I phase, since I'm so emotional apparently I can't control myself. Of course this falls to Embry, my brother, and Collin, my imprint. He doesn't even have a choice, a slave to genetics like the rest of us. I can't believe he actually could think he loves me. If I were him, this would feel a lot more like babysitting: I'm playing at the park with my friends while he's keeping an eye on us.

My breathing started to hitch. "Calm down," I whispered to myself. Having trouble breathing was a sign that it was time for me to go or I may actually do the unthinkable and phase at the playground. Untangling myself from the tunnel, I gave a lame excuse to a still carefree and bounding Rachel about me needing to get home. Thinking about her untroubled life made my breath jag again. My arms were shaking. To calm down, I started to run, not daring to glance in the direction where I could feel Collin's eyes staring after me. Pleading with myself to stay human but feeling totally helpless, I wasn't surprised when I felt the wind chafe against the wetness on my cheeks as I flew through La Push. In some perverse way, I enjoyed these tears. Wolves didn't cry. Adults didn't cry. Children cried.

And I was a child! I couldn't stop myself from shouting it as I bypassed my house and ran straight into the forest. Running as a human, crying as a child, running, crying, running, crying. The mantra in my head began to devolve into madness and I collapsed, letting the grief have me.

I heard the set of paws that had been following me stop too. Of course Collin had come after me. Thankfully he was keeping his distance. Yet even if he gave me the illusion of being alone, the rest of the pack was in his head, already hearing that I was off crying again. Not alone. No, never alone. Still, the truth was I needed Collin here with me. I liked knowing he was nearby.

But he was almost twice my age. I couldn't look at him without being creeped out. He shouldn't like me. What did he hope to gain by being near me now? I knew before I even asked the question. It was the same thing I got: a feeling of completeness, like my heart could just beat normally. Being far apart was painful, as though there were cords coming out of my heart that were pulled taunt when he wasn't nearby and threatened to pull my heart to pieces if he went too far away. It was as though our lives were one, lived in two seemingly separate bodies. But I was twelve years old! And now I was bound to someone I didn't even know. How could I live like this?

Hours later, exhausted after the longest cry in La Push history, all I wanted to do was collapse on the soft ground and sleep. Instead, I bizarrely felt my body tense and my mind became alert. Vampire? But I knew the scent. It was familiar, someone I had seen a million times in Jacob's thoughts: Renesmee Cullen must be nearby. It was the only explanation.

Renesmee, Nessie as Jacob and the rest of the pack thought of her, the girl who also had to grow up so fast. Jacob's thoughts were vivid and lately he had been reliving all of his memories with her from infancy to now. As I thought about and sympathized with Nessie, I started crying all over again. She would know, understand exactly was I was going through.

Lost in this next round of tears, wishing I could talk to her, I almost jumped when I realized she had joined me here in the bushes and was rubbing my back! Nessie was here, with me. I was so happy and relieved I couldn't even talk or keep myself from laying my head down on her.

She let me sob into her lap, unendingly stroking my hair and back, waiting as I gradually regained control. I needed to thank her, tell her how welcome she was before she left scared or thought I didn't need her. But I couldn't calm down. The relief at having her here, to finally have the chance to talk to someone who would understand what I was going through was just too overwhelming for me to actually start talking.

That's when I heard them pace the ground impatiently, the paws that couldn't be far away. Underneath all of this turmoil was still the brother I loved and the imprint I couldn't live without, standing there, waiting for me. But their waiting felt more like pressure; forcing me to be someone they could understand. They had no idea what I was going through. Their impatient distance proved this. They wanted me to come out, come back home, but were terrified of my childlike tantrums. There was only one person who could understand, who wouldn't try and keep her distance, and that's why she was in the bushes now, able to wade through the crazy emotions pouring out of me.

My breathing jagged. I felt my form begin to shake but I was in control. I would stay a girl right now, a girl in tears. I didn't want to escape the emotions; I wanted to feel them all. It was the most empowered I ever felt and it was only with a gloriously human voice that I would give into my anger, letting it be the victory speech that I was me. I would not lose myself as a wolf, or in a pack, or even I realized in my family's identity, my mother's in particular. I was Mandy and I was in control.

Ready to scream instead of cry, I yelled to my intruders, daring them to come closer. "Collin, Embry, back the hell off! I told you, I want to be ALONE!"

One of them phased and a moment later I heard a voice that took the anger right out of my resolve. "Mandy…you've been out here all day, and it's drawing close to midnight. Your mom is worried sick about you. And so am I and your brother. Please, let us follow you home."

His voice was so tired and worried; there was so much care there. What was I doing? I was causing them all so much heartache. Why couldn't I just get my act together? And for the umpteenth time that day, I felt like the child Collin was forced to babysit. A wolf-child, a woman-child, but a child all the same. A child who wanted a parent, a normal kind of parent who I could just throw a fit to and who would have hugged me and rubbed my back, and smoothed my hair out of my face, and wiped the tears and snot away. But I was alone. My mom would have been devastated to see me this out of control with emotion. She always had the monopoly on emotion in the family. As for Embry, he was currently a wolf and on Collin's side it seemed.

I rocked back as exhaustion took me, ready to hit the ground but found Nessie still there. Nessie. I wasn't alone. I had Nessie. She understood. "I'm not alone" I murmured.

I started to close my eyes when I heard the bushes shake as Collin and Embry, still a wolf, tried to force their way through. I didn't care. I just wanted to sleep so I kept my eyes closed.

"Oh, Nessie. Sorry, didn't smell you. You on your way to see Jacob?" Collin asked. He was so close. I could have just reached out and grabbed his leg. This thought amused me. Maybe I really was falling asleep.

"I thought I'd give it a try since he's avoiding his phone as if it was covered in vampire scent," Nessie retorted back. Huh. She must not know he doesn't have his phone on him.

"Oh. Eh, Mandy," I felt a trill of emotion course through me as I heard Collin say my name, "You coming?"

Ah, the same patronizing voice. I'm sure he didn't intend it but it reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom would say she was leaving. Asking if I'm coming as she walked away only implied that she knew full well I wouldn't let myself be left alone, that I needed her and would come running soon. But I was not alone I reminded myself as I felt Nessie next to me.

"Collin," I needed to be brave. I'd never said more than a few words to him at our house. "I will go home when it pleases me. Embry," he needed to know this message was for him too, "tell mom not to worry. Tell her I need some girl time."

Leaning back, I settled into Nessie only sneaking a peak at Collin before letting my eyes close again. He definitely seemed startled but when I heard him speak, I realized he was just angry.

"But…She's not a girl! She's a leech!"

A leech? I wanted to scream. How dare he call Nessie a leech. She was the only person here not trying to suck my life away. How could he deny me this time when it was because of him that I was driven out here? My emotions were so unstable that it didn't matter if I was a wolf, vampire, or human. I wasn't sure my brain would hold together with this much turmoil in my heart and head. This had to stop, all of this just had to stop.

Nessie, she had answers for me. He didn't. My vision began to blur, I thought for sure I was about to phase as I felt the power course through my feet up into my core propelling me upward. But instead of hitting the ground as a wolf, I was hitting Collin with a very human slap across his face.

"She is female. She has boobs. She bleeds. She is a girl. Now GO!" My legs gave out and my head began to swim, and I was somehow suddenly in Nessie's lap again.

Remorse hit almost immediately. I didn't dare look at his face. I could hear Embry's reproachful growl and that was enough. Embry must be so disappointed in me, embarrassed even. The only comfort I had while the tears streamed over my face was that I had held my form together, having channeled the emotions once again into human anger. Still all wrong and devastating but at least human so I could now feel the impact of my human emotions gone awry.

I didn't know how long I was there crying on Nessie, or when Collin and Embry left, but when I finally calmed down enough to look up, my head was surprisingly clear. I felt more myself than I had since I first phased, or at least all the confusion finally seemed settled into places that I could look at, maybe even talk about.

But first things first. I had to apologize for dragging Nessie into this mess. I knew she had her own issues. We'd all heard it in Jacob's head the past weeks.

"I'm sorry."

Nessie looked surprised. "For what? Defending me against a giant?"

Ah, yes, for that too of course. I couldn't believe he dared call her a leech. But me, I was the one I needed to apologize for. "For crying like a baby, for making a scene, all that. Thank you." I mumbled weakly.

Nessie sounded surprised and slightly amused. "Now you lost me. That one you'll have to explain to me."

How did she keep her sense of humor through all of this? She was a lot better at this half-life than I was. I longed to be so calm, so collected, while watching my body and emotions bizarrely change day-to-day.

"Nessie?"

"Yes, Mandy?"

"How did it feel for you to grow so fast? I mean, this part." I indicated the obnoxious curves that were if not the root of my anguish, the evidence of it.

Nessie laughed. Yes, she understood immediately what I was talking about. "It was weird, really weird. For me, they grew in lapses, so over a night I could have outgrown all my shirts or pants."

The smile that started playing on my lips when she began talking, quickly disappeared when she asked, "But couldn't any of your sisters tell you that?"

Oh, if only they could. Leah barely spoke to any of us if she could help it, except for Jacob and Seth of course. Tamara had phased when she was fifteen and had already gone through puberty. It wasn't that much of a change physically for her. Now she was almost twenty and didn't dwell on the changes in her body anymore.

"I'm only twelve, the closest one in phasing age was fifteen. I mean, I only got my first training bra a few weeks back, and now it's growing everywhere."

Ugh. I never even got my period. That was about the only thing Tamara mentioned. I remember shortly after I phased she came over for a talk, which pretty much included an offhanded comment that as soon as I stopped phasing my period would come back and not to worry. She then left with a, "so Collin, huh?" and that was about the total number of words I'd ever spoken to the other girls, much less the other wolves, in the pack since I phased.

So surprising even myself, I spoke nonstop to Nessie, asking her everything I could think of about growing up so fast. I didn't know if it was more comforting or shocking to hear her answers. Because more than her words, her attitude basically said, "this is my life. Sure it seems overwhelming and frustrating at times but whose life isn't? I really trust my family and Jacob that even if they can't understand they will try to in their own ways and we all love each other. That's what matters."

I envied her confidence. She was so sure of herself in spite of going through a lot of crazy emotions, in spite of being alone with abrupt bodily changes, in spite of not knowing what her future would look like. Nessie seemed to have a whole other grasp on the word _normal._ She didn't long for normal as something she didn't already have.

After who knows how long, Nessie gently suggested we better head home. Her words reminded me once again how good she was at this very non-normal, normal life. She thought about others, their feelings, and their claims on her, instead of just being consumed with her own feelings and own needs. When would I stop being so selfish? "Mandy, we should be getting on our way. Both before your mom goes crazy, and before Jacob finds out I spent the night with a fresh shape-shifter that still isn't in control of her phasing."

"Okay, I guess you're right..." If only she were right. The slap sounded again in my head as I remembered my emotions being channeled into a human response instead of throwing me onto all fours as a wolf. I was in control of my phasing. Perfectly in control it seemed. The only thing in my life I had any control over. But at what cost?

I wondered if she'd indulge me if I brought up Collin. It was the one topic we hadn't covered and I had to ask her. "…but I'm not sure I wanna go home, Collin will be there and he'll be just as upset that I spent the night with a half-vampire." I wished it were as easy as it sounded, as if the only problem I had at home was an angry boyfriend. Boyfriend, right! Collin was too old to even think about like that. It weirded me out. After today though, he probably wouldn't be around anymore to have to worry about. Ironically, the thought of losing him didn't ease my mind at all.

Nessie looked confused. "Can't he just mind his own business?"

"Not much more than you and Jacob can butt out of each others' lives. We're imprinted." Imprinting. I tried to keep my tone light but it came off sounding like a dirge.

Nessie still looked confused. "Isn't that a good thing?"

Yes, for you it is. "He is so old. I freak out every time I think about having to spend eternity with him. And I feel disgusting in this new body, and I just know he would be appalled too if he wasn't so starstruck by the imprinting. I mean, nothing matches! And worst is, I think I like him, and I want him to like me for me and not because of some old genetics thing..." Tears choked out the rest of my words. Ugh, so much for acting like a grown up with a boyfriend.

"Have you talked about this with him, with anyone? Except me of course. Doesn't the whole pack know this as soon as you phase?"

She didn't understand. How could she when Jacob had been in her life since the moment she was born? No, I was used to being alone with my thoughts and joining the pack had mercifully not changed that. Up until lately, I had been very good at dealing with my emotions. I had never needed anyone to talk to. Having been moved around so much with my unstable mother, at least she had given me the gift of self-control.

"I can't talk about this with him! I don't want anyone in the pack to know, they would just be disgusted with me, too. That's one pro to having a lot of chemistry in your head. All the other minds quickly pass over yours looking for something more interesting than the number of hydrogen, carbon can bind with. So even if I do let a thought slip, no one is listening. And I can't speak to mom, she could never understand. And she thinks Collin hangs around our house because he's a friend of Embry's. If she knew the real reason, he'd get into heaps of trouble."

"Well, isn't she used to him? He's been around forever." Nessie asked, still confused.

Oh the joy of imprinting since birth. "He didn't imprint on me before I phased. We've never met before. I mean, I've seen him at a distance, but never cared. He was one of the big boys, but he moved away to go to college and just came home. He graduated last Christmas. By then I was up in Makah for an exchange; I actually came home because I phased. So, he was the first wolf I met and I didn't even understand what was going on. I was confused, my new senses were weird, and all I knew was that I needed to get home, they would know what to do. It took a while for them to understand that it was a double imprinting, because I thought I was going crazy, dreaming about this big charcoal wolf, about pulling my fingers through his fur. I wondered how I had been so sure it was a him. Everyone let me be, they thought that I had been spooked by the strength of Collin's imprinting. Thing was, it was so strong because it was us both, at the same time. I don't know what to do Nessie! I don't wanna be around him because I always make a fool out of myself, but I can't keep away either. I don't understand how you'll survive being in Harvard while Jacob is here."

"Ugh, you've heard about that."

She looked guilty. She should be. This was something I couldn't understand. Jacob worked so hard to make sure they could go to college together at the same time and she not only ignores that but then decides to move across the country for college. "Not to be rude, but anyone who's been phased in the state of Washington has heard it. He is the alpha, his voice drowns out the others."

"Is he very angry with me?"

"He's not angry at all Nessie, he's terrified. He can't survive with you that far away." Even as chaotic as my imprinting with Collin was, I couldn't imagine that kind of separation. Until today, I don't think he'd ever been more than 100 feet from me since we imprinted and as much as it was driving me crazy, I didn't realize how comforting it was too.

"What do you mean? We've been far apart before. And even if that were the case, I guess he could come with me."

"No, he can't. He can leave the pack, like to move away from La Push to Washington State, because if we need him, he'll only be an hours' sprint away. But further away wouldn't work. The alpha tie is too strong. He actually, physically can't abandon the pack like that. And to be away from each other like that? He wouldn't be the only one affected, you would react, too. I've heard that you froze a lot before, when Jacob wasn't close all the time. Imagine being on different sides of the country, it would be like a nuclear winter."

"Oh..."

"And I suppose he's a bit sad that you wouldn't even consider Washington State, since it was the only school he got into."

"What?...He couldn't have gotten in, he hasn't even finished high school yet!"

Was this a surprise then? He must not have told her his plans. "Has too. He's been taking night classes for years, only to be able to follow you in your life. He didn't plan on becoming alpha, but now he is."

I guess I wasn't the only one with problems. Jacob and Nessie had their problems too. Strangely enough, this made me really happy knowing their life wasn't perfect. It meant that I wasn't alone, that maybe I had some comfort to offer back to Nessie. Tentatively I reached out to put my arm around her shoulder.

As if on cue, Jacob came up then and Nessie, obviously anxious to see him, told him we were ready to come out. She held my hand tightly as we ducked under the branches and emerged into the rest of the forest to join her wolf. I felt intrusive and a bit jealous to this reunion. Would there ever be a day that I would so confidently touch, even look at, Collin?

Then before I knew what was happening, Nessie was pulling me onto Jacob's back and we were riding the giant wolf. I couldn't help the laugh that broke out, the three-year-old laugh that remembered the feeling of riding on giant dogs under Embry's watchful eye. "He always did that to me when I was a kid! I just thought that uncle Quil had a really big dog back then, but he always did just that."

Unbidden, a thought of my charcoal wolf and me riding him popped into my head and I couldn't believe I was asking it but, "Jacob? Did Collin ask you to search for me?" Please say yes. Please.

But Jacob shook his head no. So it must have been "Embry?" Now he nodded. Crap. Crap. Why was I surprised it wasn't Collin? Why was I expecting it to be him? Why was I disappointed it was my ever understanding, loving, protective brother? Why did this feel like betrayal? Abandonment? I hugged Nessie tighter, thanking her silently for the help she'd been to me today, wishing that I could get control of my emotions. When I left the house this morning, hadn't I wanted nothing more than to be left alone, for Collin to let me be a crying child instead of reminding me of my attachment to him and the others?

By the time we broke through the trees to my backyard, I was pretty sure that my tears would have to stop sometime soon. I had been crying almost the entire day now. But ungluing my cheek from Nessie's back, I caught an agonizing glimpse of my charcoal wolf disappearing without so much as a glance in our direction. No the tears would have no end tonight. Clearly Collin was not going to overlook my attacking him earlier. The rejection I sought had found a mark at last and now I had to live with knowing what I had lost rather than being annoyed with what I had.

I felt Embry's arms gently lift me from Jacob's back, and a relieved whisper in my ear, "thank you for coming home DeeDee. I'll get you to your bed."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

My dreams were not peaceful as I slept the last few hours of the night and into the next day. At some point in the early morning, I awoke to realize my clothes were still on, having made muddy smears on the covers. Embry must have taken off my shoes for me. I changed into the sweatpants lying on the floor from previous nights and slipped under the covers. I'd have more than muddy sheets to clean up when I finally awoke.

Letting my mind drift, I searched for my charcoal wolf, seeing the woods materialize around me, the smell of wet decomposing leaves underfoot and of newly exposed bark that wrapped around me like a comforting story. It was the story of my people, of legends reaching back to Taha Aki, to the first pack of wolves. Now I was one of them, running with confidence and loyalty, sure of my destiny. Of course Collin was here with me and we ran together separating from the others to form our own circle around La Push, to create our own story.

After we had carefully finished our patrol we ended up on our rock cliff to settle down in the completeness of having one another. But the dream changed here and now only he was on the edge of the cliff, watching me walk toward him. In the reflection of his eyes, I realized I had phased and was reaching out to touch the deepening and lightening grays in his fur with human hands.

His intertwining fingers suddenly caught my own as I slowly ran my fingers through his fur. We were both walking now holding hands. I steadily kept my gaze down on our merged hands, frightened of the moment I knew was coming, when I would try to look up at his face, but instead wake up.

This was the same dream I had had every night since I phased and every night it ended the same way. Collin would slow down until we were at a standstill and then in no more than a whisper say, "Mandy…thank you."

I can't help but look up in surprise. Surprised by his voice, the earnestness of his words, and surprised by the words themselves. What could he possibly be thanking me for?I had to know but just as my eyes were about to meet his, I always woke up with a start, my breath catching and then streaming out in a whoosh of "Collin" into my pillow as I turned over and waited for less exciting dreams to start.

But tonight was different. I didn't wake up. I didn't see his face either. I looked up and saw the expression that was unmistakably the face he must have had right after I slapped him tonight. My chest squeezed at the sight of his reflected terror. At first neither of us moved, rooted in fear. And then as if our life was nothing more than a piece of paper in two-year-old hands, we both heard the audible rip through the forest of paper slowly being torn apart. Collin began to back away as I tried to follow, the sound of torn paper ringing in my ears.

Words failed and all I could do was beg. "Please Collin. I shouldn't have done it. But I need her. I'm confused all the time and—"

He interrupted sharply, "If being around me is so hard that you would rather spend time with bloodsuckers, I—"

But he didn't finish. I couldn't bear what he would say next so I started running. I knew I was asleep. I had to wake up. But I was phased again. As I ran out of the woods into my backyard, Collin was there waiting for me. He crouched down as if to pet a small puppy, and started rubbing slowly behind my ears.

"I know you're still young," he began. "I'll give you the space you need to grow up without me forcing my way into your life, or your living room." He gave me an apologetic smile. A small doglike whine came out of my mouth and I realized I was not the shaggy ebony wolf I had come to recognize as myself. I was a young Labrador Retriever. As he got up to walk toward my house, I healed carefully at his side, wondering at the leash Collin held tightly in his hand. At the backdoor, he knelt down, took off the leash, and whispered in my ear, "I'm yours."

I jerked awake terrified. Confused and terrified. Confused, terrified, and relieved. It was only a dream. It was only a dream. I laid still and tried to remember exactly which parts were a dream, and which parts were real.

It was as if I was reliving my first days of phasing all over again. That first week especially, the pack was bewildered by how little I thought about phasing and how much I thought about Collin. Embry particularly was overwhelmed by having to share my mind, seeing his baby sister, which is clearly how he thought about me, having such an intense emotional connection to a guy his own age.

The reoccurring dream of Collin and me patrolling, me running my fingers through his fur, and then ending up hand-in-hand would haunt my waking thoughts, and as they were in my mind, they were in the packs mind as well. Hearing their reaction, the hilarity in some minds, the disgust in others, namely Embry's, forced me to try and learn to control my thoughts quickly. I found that if I focused on being a wolf, and living through my wolf senses, it was not difficult to fill my mind completely with the details of the forest we patrolled. Later on I discovered that going over things like the Periodic Table of the Elements worked well too, if for some reason my human mind wouldn't let me give myself completely over to my wolf senses.

But the dreams didn't stop, and thinking about Collin all the time when I was human didn't stop. So I finally confessed to Jacob what was going on. He was the one who realized it, that of course, I had imprinted too. That was the only explanation for how much my life had changed and how little I thought of any of it except for Collin. He and Nessie had both imprinted on one another, though not at the same time, so he knew the intensity that could come with that.

Now as I laid in bed trying to sort out my dream, the events of yesterday came screaming back. Hitting him was not part of the dream. That was real and no, I had not spoken to him since then. He had run away from me last night when I saw him bolt from the porch but I had not tried to approach him like I did in my dream.

A sick feeling began to settle into my stomach. He wasn't here. I didn't know what time in the afternoon it was having finally woken up but I knew for certain he was nowhere nearby. This was strange. It gave me a slightly panicked feeling, like something was missing from me. Unsettled, I climbed out of bed and went downstairs to the kitchen to get breakfast. I couldn't help myself from glancing into the living room to make absolutely sure he wasn't there. Disappointment settled in when I confirmed the couch was empty, showing no sign he had been here all morning.

Mom was at work I supposed and I had no idea where Embry was. The house began to feel oppressively silent. I couldn't help but feel the irony that for the first time in months I had the house completely to myself, and now all I wanted was to have everyone here, and by everyone I really just meant Collin.

As I slowly climbed back up the stairs, I wondered if I could make myself talk to him if he did come over soon, to apologize to him and set things right. No. I just wanted to know he was here.

Opening my closet door, I found my sketchpad, pastels, and charcoals, neatly stacked to one side. I sat right inside my slanting roof walk-in closest and began to sketch. First the eyes, the eyes I so desperately wanted to see in my dreams before I woke up. But before I knew it, those eyes had become part of the wolf. I couldn't help but extend the lines past the ears, down past the muzzle, hard lines dark lines drifting into turmoil. By the end, his eyes and face were sunken deep in my contradictions.

Feeling some sense of catharsis, I perched on my window bench and gazed across the front lawn and down the driveway, straining my ears to catch any sound of padded feet. Lazily, I heard the cars on the highway and the ruckus at the beach, not even interested anymore that the highway and the beach were over a half-mile away in different directions. But a bell rang then that caught my attention. I glanced at the clock and saw it was 2:45pm. The bell I heard meant school was out for the day.

Shortly after phasing, I chose to home school. Coming back from Makah just made me realize how much I wasn't learning in school in La Push and how well I could teach myself with books and the right tutors. With Embry's help, I convinced mom to let me home school.

Thankfully the one benefit to being a wolf was that getting to Makah now was not such a big deal. So happily, my science teacher, Mr. Yuel, was still my science teacher. He had me in his advanced Chemistry class and then would tutor me in biology on the side. This earned a lot of extra homework for me since Mr. Yuel had no concept of a life outside of school work; but truth be told, neither did I. I loved the logic of chemistry, the painstaking detail you had to commit to. I loved that the results were always known, at least with the experiments I did. This glorious predictability was the healthiest escape I had to the mess now strewn on the floor of my closet.

And then I heard it: four paws rhythmically hitting the ground. I couldn't tell how far away they were yet, only that they were coming from the opposite direction from where I could see out my window. I ran down the steps to the backdoor, looking out the window, listening, and waiting. The wolf was coming this direction. That was certain. But who…and then the disappointment crippled. I dragged myself upstairs knowing it was not Collin. I would know it was Collin. Even greater than my sense of hearing, was the sense I had gained in imprinting, of knowing when my imprint was near and in what direction he was coming from. But with absolute certainty I felt no pull toward this oncoming wolf.

Almost reaching the top step, I stopped, remembering my dream. The ripping, the sound of paper being torn apart. Maybe, maybe we were no longer imprinted? Maybe I had finally torn us apart with my actions yesterday? No, regardless of imprinting, nothing had changed for me or the way I felt about him. But maybe, did that mean, things had changed for him? Maybe he no longer was imprinted on me? Is that why I couldn't feel the pull to him right now as he ran toward the house?

I sprinted, tripping back down the stairs, wanting to fling myself out the door, knowing that if I phased I could confirm my suspicions in an instant, as soon as I heard his mind. But this thought stopped me. Did I want to know? What if he really wasn't imprinted on me anymore? The sick feeling settled in deeper. I didn't want to know. But the wolf was getting closer. I would know soon enough. Going back upstairs, I settled next to my window again to wait out the verdict.

Embry knocked on my door a moment later, thankfully giving me enough time to compose my face. As soon as I heard him phase and begin walking across the yard, I realized of course it was him. Being so disappointed by the arrival of my brother just added guilt to the growing despair I felt; so it was with a lot of effort that I tried to have at least a neutral expression when Embry came in the room.

He walked cautiously over to me, giving me a kiss on top of my head and then settled down next to my bed.

"How are you feeling?"

Oh, the guilt. His was being so careful. "I'm sorry, Embry. For yesterday. For before. I've been…I don't even know. I'm sorry."

"Dee Dee you don't need to apologize, for anything. You've been going through more than any of us ever did. Even with the support of the pack, having phased _and imprinted_ so young, no one blames you." Embry's mouth twisted ever so slightly on the word imprinted but he continued. "I'm the one who should be apologizing. I've been so preoccupied with keeping you safe and helping you adjust to phasing, that I've totally ignored the fact you imprinted." He paused and took a deep breath.

"No, to be perfectly honest, it's been more than just preoccupation that has kept me from talking to you about imprinting. I've had a hard time imagining my little sister, my Dee Dee," he gave me an apologetic smile, "having a connection like that with anyone, much less with a guy my age."

I was about to interrupt but Embry held out his hand. "Let me finish. Yesterday changed a lot for me too Dee. I realized that no matter how hard and weird your imprinting has been for me, it has been a million times worse for you. And there's nothing more I can say than I'm truly sorry for the jerk of a brother I've been, not taking the time to think about your feelings."

Getting up and walking over to sit next to him, I leaned against my brother and wrapped my arms around his arm. "Embry, you're the best, awesomest brother I could ever have. Thanks for telling me how you've been feeling. It's good to know that I'm not just making a big deal about nothing, or at least I'm not alone in making the big deal anyway. But I am sorry about yesterday. You must have thought I lost my mind. It's humiliating to know there were witnesses to my emotional tantrum." Actually, it was humiliating to know there was one particular witness to my tantrum.

Embry turned to look at me intently when he spoke. "Mandy you need to understand something. It is GOOD to share your feelings." Then a smile broke out across his face and the joking manner I was used to with Embry returned. "And you little sis' should teach a class on controlling your thoughts as a wolf. I've never seen anyone, not even Jake, have that much control over their mind. I mean I should have known. I did know that you were not doing well but I chose to believe that since I wasn't hearing anything troubling from you as a wolf, you were okay. So yesterday was good Dee. You needed to tell us, you needed to yank me out of my selfishness. Who cares if it didn't come out in the most controlled manner?" I could see that he wanted to laugh and I couldn't for the life of me imagine why, especially if he was thinking about my hitting Collin.

"Did he…does he…Embry this isn't funny!" Embry was actually laughing. Breaking free of his arm, I stared at him incredulously, wondering if I might actually slap him too.

"No Dee," he gasped trying and failing to stop laughing. "It's just I can't believe you hit him. Collin. You slapped Collin Chimakey."

Yes, thank you Embry. I know who I slapped. I still didn't see how this was funny. I decided rather than speaking and getting angry, I'd go sit on my window bench and wait out the apparent hilarity.

"Hey Dee," he began finally serious enough to talk. "Hey," he said again when I didn't look. I slowly broke my gaze from the window and turned my head toward him, still hugging my knees to my chest. "Mandy, he's not angry with you. He's not even a little upset. I'm sure he would be right outside your window if he could be but his course work is bogging him down right now and he had to be on campus today. You know he's getting some crazy medical degree at U-Dub, right? He's been commuting back and forth. There's no way he could spend even an entire day away from you."

The doubt must have been visible on my face because he smiled. "Dee you don't understand how he feels about you if you think he could be angry at all." The joking smirk returned and I thought he was going to start laughing again but he quickly continued, "He feels horrible that he drove you to hitting him. He thinks it's his fault, that maybe he's hurt you enough that you'll never want him around again."

I had to look quickly out the window so I could control the guilt that filled my mouth, making me sick as I felt it burn down my throat.

But Embry wasn't finished. "That was the other thing that changed for me yesterday. I spent a lot of time with Collin and realized he's as much of a mess as you are, as I've been. None of us have handled this imprinting well apparently.

"Collin's been totally unsure how to act, realizing you were not comfortable being around him but remembering he told you that first day that he'd be there for you. At least that was the excuse he'd been giving himself for why he had made himself a permanent fixture at our house. In reality, it has been his need to be near you, to see you, to make sure you're safe, and happy. He feels as selfish as I do about the last months, forcing himself into your life all the time.

You probably didn't know it but Collin's been volunteering to look out for you outside of the house, to protect the newest wolf from phasing and all that; even though he and Jake both knew you didn't need a chaperon."

Shocked, I needed a minute to process this. It was strangely comforting to know he hadn't just been forced to babysit me this whole time when I'd seen him following me. But at the same time, I was even more keenly aware of all this need, this disruption in his life, stemming from the uncontrollable genetic quirk called _imprinting_. "Imprinting sucks." I mumbled, fully aware that I wouldn't have it any other way.

"Don't be hopeless Dee Dee. It just takes time to get used to, to figure out how to live life with your soul mate," he smiled a bit. "Look at Jake and Nessie. It will work out, better than we can imagine."

The image of walking confidently with Collin, the way Nessie approached Jacob, made me smile. When would the day come? When would me being so awkward and young and him being so old not be such an insurmountable obstacle?

Embry started getting up to leave. "Hey, Mandy, one more thing. While you both are trying to figure this out, try not to slap Collin too much. "

I gawked at him too shocked to close my mouth. Did he really think I could hit Collin again?

"He's fragile." He started laughing, the amusement shaking his whole massive frame. "Collin's always been this soft-spoken, gentle person. Even as a wolf he's smaller than the rest of us, intimidation being so against his nature. He's the absolute last person I would have suspected to ever get in a fight with someone else in the pack, much less his imprint!" Here the laughter took hold again and as I started shoving him out the door, he waved me off. "Okay, okay. I'll go. Just go easy on him, alright?"

Embry was right. Collin didn't spend the entire day away. Around 9 pm I felt him outside and I ran to the window, scanning the darkness to see if I could find him. I knew he was hidden somewhere in the woods to the right of the driveway. Settling down in my window seat, I gazed out the window, content to have him back. But this confidence didn't last long as my eagerness gave way to embarrassment. My mind providing me with vivid pictures of him phasing and walking toward the house. How would I face him? Maybe he'd interpret my sitting here as an invitation inside. This thought had me standing up and moving across my room before I realized it. I did the childish thing and slinked down next to the window, against the wall out of sight. Now I could be close without him seeing me.

"Goodnight," I whispered.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

This routine continued almost every day. I would eagerly come home, eat dinner, do more homework, and then wait impatiently until about 9 pm when I'd feel him outside. I could never resist peaking out the window and as the months passed, and I became confident he wasn't coming in, I started spending more and more time sitting at my window bench.

Six months this routine went on. Eventually though feeling his presence just outside my window turned from the sweetest relief of my day to a burden, a sore hurt that wouldn't go away and just got worse. I began waiting for him. I would skip meals, frantically sketching, holing myself up in my room all day, scared I might miss the moment he'd come by. I began falling asleep curled up on my window bench, desperately trying to be that much closer to him.

During one of these evenings, my floor littered with sketches, charcoal pencils, and an organic chemistry textbook, I heard Embry come up the stairs. He'd taken to checking up on me, having given up trying to get me out of the house much less my room. I leaned further over my biggest sketchpad, concentrating on getting every detail right of my charcoal wolf's long tail hairs.

There was a soft knock and then uninvited the door slowly opened. Embry came in to sit with me on the floor. He studied my drawing for a moment and then looked at me.

"You know he's right outside? You could just go talk to him."

I shot Embry a fearful look. After all this time, the idea of actually seeing Collin, talking to him, was overwhelming. I leaned farther over my drawing and quietly mumbled, "Embry, it's better this way. I can't be around him."

I wish I could be. The bonfire last week was the closest we'd come to actually seeing each other face-to-face. Jake normally let me bow out of most activities since things had been pretty quiet here in and around La Push but bonfires were obligatory. I remember he laughed when he thought about it and said, "Hey Mandy that means you too. We will all be there. Jeez kid, you're the only person who'd have to be made to go to a bonfire. A little less studying might be good for you, you know." Only Embry and Collin knew the real reason for my obsessive homebound behavior. The rest of the pack thought I was just some big nerd, not getting enough of my biology textbook.

"Mandy this is it." Embry interrupted my reverie. "There is no more life to you anymore. Even your drawings, look at them." He motioned with his hands over the floor. "Your world has become so small, you've lost the big picture. Collin's tail? Really? You don't talk to him. You don't talk to mom. You don't even talk to me anymore, Dee Dee. It's like you're a whisper of the old self that I could count on to be bounding down the stairs eager to tell me something new about one of Jupiter's moons or some new discovery on Charon."

I couldn't help the smile as I looked up and saw Embry completely exasperated. Charon? He remembered the name of Pluto's moon? He wasn't kidding when he said he actually waited for me each day to tell him a new fact about something I had learned. He not only listened, he actually remembered what I told him.

The smile faltered as I let this sink in and I sighed. How did I ever think this would be better, staying away from my family, hurting them, just so I could be by myself and go crazy? Looking around my actually very small room, it was painfully obvious how much I had cut myself off. This small messy space was all I had left. Embry was right. I needed to get out.

An idea occurred to me then and before I even thought about it, I was already asking, "Maybe, maybe you could talk with Jake about letting me be in Collin's patrol?" I tried to keep my breathing even, my face calm. But as I said Collin's name, my heart hurt like the blood was suddenly having trouble pumping through the arteries; and I rushed through the rest of the words because I knew I wouldn't be able to get them out for long. "You're right. I have to do something. I'm sorry I've been so elusive. It might get better if, um, we're around each other at least. The imprint, you know, I think, I don't know whatever happened when we imprinted, but we, I have to be closer than this to him. I might go crazy if—"

Two big Embry arms interrupted me as they pulled me into his chest, burying my words. "Shhh. You're not making sense. You don't need to apologize. I'll talk to Jake." His relief filled every word and he added with a small smile in his voice, "I'm just so glad you're finally going to leave your room Mandy."

"I've been trying my best." I muffled into his shirt.

"Well, as much as drawing parts of charcoal wolves all day is clearly doing everyone a lot of good, I think you'll be much better off actually spending time together."

Spending time together? Is that what Embry just said? My heart began to race and a cold sweat broke across my skin, desire and fear all of a sudden coursing through me like a current. Spending time with Collin? It wasn't something I'd done in almost a year. Now if Jake gave me what I just asked for, I'd be running patrols with him once or twice a week. My legs were growing weak. What would Collin think when he heard I asked to be in his patrol? What would he say? What would I say? "Oh my God," I gasped as my legs finally gave way.

Embry, still hugging me, caught my weight before I fell on the floor. "Whoa, Dee, slow down there. It's just running patrol. There will be at least three or four other wolves in both of your heads. You probably won't even have to speak to each other."

Embry gently sat me on the bed with a look of half concern and half amusement on this face. Before I could change my mind about Collin's patrol or even process Embry's expression, he was racing out the door, out of the house, calling over his shoulder that he'd be right back. I heard him phase and realized there was no way out of my hasty request. Whether I was ready or not, I was going to have to face Collin soon.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

A week later I was about to run my first night in Collin's patrol. Actually Collin and Brady shared patrol duties, since often times Collin would have to be at school on patrol nights. There were six of us: Collin, Brady, Josh, Aidron, Tamara, and me. The first five had all been part of the fight to protect Nessie from the Volturi, although Collin and Brady had begun phasing even before that. I didn't know any of them well. Part of concentrating on becoming fully a wolf in order to hide my human thoughts, was also studiously ignoring other people's thoughts. Embry had always let me stay silent in his patrol, not involving me in any of the decisions, and the others had taken his lead. I had no idea what to expect now.

I phased soon after leaving the house at 10 pm to meet the others, close to the Cullen's border. Immediately I heard two voices end their conversation.

"_She's phased."_

"_Hey, Mandy, you running with us today?" _The mental voice sounded sort of familiar, so I guessed it was Brady asking.

"_I'm on my way,"_ I responded a little too slowly, then focused on the ferns, trying to discern the changes in the smell the rain earlier in the day had caused in the forest.

Thankfully when I arrived in the clearing, I didn't have to give more than a quick nod hello before Aidron's massive form came bounding in replaying the Monday night football game he'd watched earlier. Only Collin was thinking about me. We were acutely aware of each other. I kept seeing every move I made in his own mind, a tail twitch, a shift in weight. He realized I was searching his thoughts and turned his attention to my thoughts. We kept up this weird mental dance back and forth, approaching, circling, retreating, until Tamara cut in.

"_Are we going to get going or what? Collin what are the pairings? I need to get some sleep tonight!"_

Collin focused and began thinking about pairings. Not wanting to reveal my indecision of whether or not I wanted to be paired with him, I concentrated even harder on the smells in the forest, picking up a faint trace of what I guessed was Nessie. It had been a long time since I had seen her, having hidden in my room these past many months. I wondered how long it would stay awkward when I was around her. The last time she'd come by with Jake, I couldn't help but feel self-conscious having shown her more of myself than I had to anyone. But as the memories of that day in the forest with her came back, so did the realization I was reliving those very personal moments for everyone, including Collin.

"_Brady you go the longer loop with Aidron. Tamara, take Mandy zigzag through the middle. Josh and I will head East."_

Any temporary relief I felt that Collin had interrupted my mental autobiography, vanished as I heard these pairings. I couldn't stop the pain that suddenly overpowered me. I couldn't stop myself from looking up at him, needing reassurance. I couldn't stop my ridiculous human thoughts. Embry had told me that Collin forgave me for avoiding him, that he wanted nothing more than to be near me. I knew this and believed it, and yet I still couldn't stop myself from letting the pain explode from my mind into the other five wolves around me.

"_Whoa."_

"_Good God."_

"_What was that?"_

Shifting paws, mental cringes, and an echoing howl ended with Collin shouting, _"No! Mandy will run with me. Josh you run with Tamara."_

Thirty minutes later, still trying to control the embarrassment and delight that kept surfacing, I was running the route Collin marked for us staying on his flank. Not a single conversant thought passed between us in the entire three hours we were together that night. I focused on him and our route and was so happy that I was surprised when we were nearing our starting point again to reconvene and go home. Brief reports were shared between Collin and the others but even when everyone said goodbye to each other, Collin and I kept silent.

I phased to walk home human as soon as I was sure I was out of sight of the pack. Trying to keep the millions of questions that suddenly exploded into my head from spilling into the collective pack conscious was going to be impossible. Better to stay human so I could ruin in private the blissful three hours we had had together.

Why hadn't he tried to talk to me? It's true I hadn't wanted him to, but to not even try…after all this time? Had he not had anything to say? Would we ever speak? Imagining spending hours in silence together was not actually that bad to think about. But he hadn't even picked me to run with him at first. Did he not want to spend time together? Had he only picked me out of guilt, after hearing my embarrassing reaction to being paired with Tamara? What must all the others think of me? By the time I reached the house any cheerful memory from that evening had definitely been replaced with feeling like an idiot for having asked to run in his stupid patrol in the first place.

*****

When Saturday came I was not looking forward to going back. I thought about ditching out, having Embry make some excuse for me. But Collin had not been outside my window for two nights in a row now and I had to know why.

Just before I phased I concentrated hard, willing myself to not let there be a repeat performance of explosive heartbreak, no matter what happened tonight. But when I felt how happy and relieved Collin was that I'd shown up for patrol, I couldn't help the excitement that everyone got to suddenly feel.

"_You guys are ridiculous." _Brady barked laughing and shaking his head. _"Mandy, you're running with me. And before you go all psycho again–"_

Collin growled.

"_Jeez man, I just meant, before she misinterprets anything, I am making the pairings tonight and it has nothing to do with you choosing or not choosing to run with her."_

I was too shocked by Brady's bluntness to feel embarrassed or offended. It made me want to laugh, and surprisingly I didn't even have to try to hide my thoughts as I got to where everyone was waiting for me.

"_Come on Mandy_,_"_ Brady called, bounding off before I could even think about saying hi to the others.

He ran really fast so it was hard to keep up with him. But Brady's playfulness even when he ran was contagious, and I couldn't help but push myself faster. I realized it was easy. All I had to do was stop thinking about running, and just run, stop thinking about and analyzing myself as a wolf, and just be a wolf with all the natural agility and strength that came with it. And I was strong, really strong.

"_That a girl. Come on, you have more in you than that. I know you do. No sister of Embry's or imprint of Collin's would be slow. I bet you're even faster than me. Run. Don't think. Just run."_

I couldn't help laughing. It must have been the adrenaline because I was having more fun as a wolf than I had ever had. And I did run. I ran as fast as he kept pushing me to run, now weaving through the trees, bounding off incredibly high boulders and drop-offs I would have never gone near before. He kept cutting me off, taunting me with his bursts of speed as he flew past me. But he was right. I was faster. I could feel myself, this energy I had always kept carefully under control, being released in now uncontrollable torrents. Even more than the speed, it was the air when I jumped that kept surprising me.

We were now nowhere near where we should be patrolling but today it seemed I didn't care about trying to stay on the right path. Instead I was focusing on the humongous rock up ahead, calculating whether I could beat Brady to it. I dodged to the left seeing the angle I needed, and then with a final burst of energy leapt up, barely touching the boulder more than a second before allowing the momentum to carry me back down. I landed in front of Brady so unexpectedly that he couldn't help but careen into me. We fell in a barking, laughing heap, skidding until we slammed into the closest trees.

Brady was right back on his feet. _"Now no more excuses. No more pretending you're this weak or awkward wolf. Hell, I bet you could beat Leah and she holds all the speed records. We'll have to see if we can arrange that one day. You certainly could take any of us jumping. Next cliff dive Mandy, you're coming. No more hiding behind Embry or using Collin as this ridiculous excuse for why you can't do things with the pack."_

Collin? The last hour of playing had driven him and all those emotions completely from my mind. Ugh, I didn't want to think about this now when I was pretty sure that not only Brady but Collin too was listening. Instead, I did the only thing I could do. I started running, considerably faster than what I was used to, in the direction that would take me back to where we should be patrolling. My mind was wolf again, safe, focused only on the senses that would take me back to the path.

"_Whoa, Mandy!"_ Brady's paws and thoughts thudded after me. _"At least she runs fast now. But that was crazy. And how…"_

"_How do you do that Mandy? How do you turn your thoughts off like that? It's like I can't even hear you, like there really is only a wolf in front of me. Jake is the only other one I've ever heard do this but even Quil and Embry would say they could still hear his underlying tone buried deep in the wolf. You, it's as if it's blank, as if you've left the wolf body entirely. No seriously Mandy it's a little freaky. MANDY!"_

_"Ah, what!?"_ It was as if someone had just screamed in my ear. So much for my great concentration.

"_Oh so you are still there." _His amusement at his own success in getting my attention made me forget the annoyance I'd felt a moment before. Brady was exasperatingly easy to get along with.

"_I am aren't I?" _He gloated back catching my thoughts. _"So how do you do it?"_

"_Do what?"_

"_Make yourself mentally disappear!"_

"_I focus on being a wolf. I don't know how else to explain it." _I let my mind drift, feeling distinctly like there were two of me experiencing this moment: Mandy the human and Mandy the animal. The animal had no words, only senses, instincts, feelings. The separation was so clear I could almost feel my mind stepping back and forth between the two.

"_Huh, she's, that's just, weird."_

And then suddenly I was in Brady's memory. He was remembering himself as a young teenager laughing at the boy he was with, who was seriously and exasperatedly trying to hypothesize about how the human-wolf genome could be triggered by the vampires in the same way viral DNA that was embedded in the human genome was triggered to self-destruct when the host was threatened.

"Collin what in the world are you going on about man? Who cares? Did you know yesterday I went and dropped off the cliff near Hobuck beach?"

Collin's eyes widened at the young Brady.

"Yeah man! I know. The cliffs here are nothing compared to that one in Makah. I bet even Sam's never jumped off that one."

Collin turned serious then as Brady pretended to throw himself off cliffs. "Brady, you shouldn't go off by yourself."

"But you're never around," Brady retorted back shoving Collin. "You study like it still matters. We're preparing for war!"

"You should be studying too. And Brady you know as well as I do that Sam will not let us fight. He wants us here, protecting the tribe."

"Ah. Don't remind me. It's such crap." He kicked at the sand. But then with a mischievous grin turned to Collin, "I'll study, but I'll only study if you come with me first to Hobuck beach. You need to lighten up and have some fun. Being a wolf is COOL." And with that Brady jumped to wrestle Collin and the memory faded.

"_Mandy it seems the gods have been kind to give me a second chance at saving another poor soul, lost in their own nerdy self-importance. I didn't have much success with Collin. LOSER!"_ he suddenly mentally shouted.

"_Always the gentleman Brady. Be nice."_ Collin retorted back, amused.

"_And yet, I feel like I have learned from my mistakes and will have much better luck with you. Now seriously, I know Collin is scary, or at least scarily smart, yawn. But apparently you are too so you should have loads to bore each other with."_

Ignoring his comments about Collin, I couldn't help but banter with Brady. He had such a great memory and was more than willing to reminisce about himself and Collin as young teens. Physically they obviously looked pretty much the same as they did now, but for some reason just knowing I was seeing Collin at like thirteen or fourteen made it so much easier to imagine hanging out with him now. By the time Brady and I said goodbye that night, I felt as though I had spent the evening with Collin too.

So when I showed up for the next patrol, I wasn't nearly as intimidated to find out I'd be running with Collin. In fact when I saw my charcoal wolf, it was easy to pretend he was still that fourteen-year-old boy I'd seen in Brady's head.

We didn't speak. His thoughts were focused on mine as we ran. I was having trouble staying in the moment, wanting to give my mind over to the wolf, to our patrol assignment, but also seeing blips of Brady's memories that kept my mind human. I didn't want to turn off those memories. I wanted to make memories of my own. I wanted to talk and hang out with Collin too. But I had no idea how.

Embarrassment and nervousness won out as I thought about Collin listening to all of this. I could hear him trying to decide whether or not he should say something. Too chicken to actually let him, I took preemptive action. I decided since slipping into the wolf's mind was out of the question right now, I'd at least try to keep my human mind occupied with less mortifying thoughts. This meant The Periodic Table of the Elements.

"_1, H, Hydrogen, Non-Metal, 1.0079 amu, 3 stable isotopes, __1__H, __2__H, __3__H… 23, V, Vanadium, Transition Metal, 50.9415 amu, 1 stable isotope, __51__V; 24, Cr, Chromium, Transition Metal, 51.9961 amu, 4 stable isotopes, __50__Cr, __51__Cr...No wait, was that right?"_

"_It's CR-50, 52, 53, 54." _I almost tripped when I heard Collin quietly correct me. _"51 has a half life of about 27 days—"_

"_Will you two SHUT THE HELL UP,"_ a very unhappy Brady interrupted. _"I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE."_

"_Amen!" _Josh agreed.

But Brady wasn't finished._ "If I have to hear one more thing about CR ion crap or whatever, I will not run with either of you anymore. In fact, Mandy no more Periodic Table of Elements."_

He said it with the authority that I recognized as an actual order. I couldn't help but laugh and apologize to Brady and the rest of them. Collin was laughing too and he glanced back at me as we turned to go around the farthest edge of our patrol.

"_You're not really under that order, you know? You can recite as many atomic elements as you'd like."_ I wasn't sure what the seniority was between Collin and Brady but apparently Collin had a slight upper hand because as soon as Collin said this I felt the order Brady had given me lift.

"_Yeah, thanks. Although I think for Brady's mental health, we better lay off." _We. I liked that.

Collin diligently avoided commenting on this last thought; but I could tell he was happy too.

Our conversation didn't really progress much after that. We were both still too self-conscious to speak naturally. Instead we resorted to giving each other unnecessary verbal clues about our patrol path. _"Rock…branch…hole." _We just wanted to have an excuse to talk to each other. Nevertheless before leaving to go home that night, we did say goodbye and I couldn't help falling asleep with the smile still on my face.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Over the next couple of weeks we continued our one-word conversations always ending in the momentous goodbye. The most significant of these came when Collin actually said my name when we were leaving.

"_Bye, Mandy."_

My heart did a flip but I embarrassingly thought back, _"bye, Collin."_

Two months later, our runs were still silent as ever but the goodbyes were what we both began to look forward to, running faster as we neared the rendezvous point, as though it gave us the permission to finally speak. Phrases like, _"I had fun running with you tonight"_ or _"Have a goodnight"_ began creeping up before the _"Goodbye, Mandy. Goodbye, Collin."_ We were too excited to finally be talking to one another to even care how silly this ritual looked.

Brady of course thought all of this was hilarious and had made it a point to give Embry all the ridiculous details. In Brady's mind this meant there would be someone waiting at home to tease me after patrol. Embry took that job seriously and tonight was no different.

"Must have been some goodbye to paint that smile on your face...?"

Yes it was! I couldn't stop smiling. It had sort of been a conversation instead of just a goodbye.

Collin had asked, _"So I'll see you Thursday?"_

And I'd responded, _"Yeah, Thursday."_

"_Well I hope you have a goodnight. Bye, Mandy." _

"_You too Collin. Bye."_

I sighed remembering and then answered Embry. "I'm not saying anything. I've got to go to bed. I have a big day tomorrow." I did. I was going to Makah for an extended day's worth of lab work with Mr. Yuel and his advanced Chem students, who were used to the adult-looking eighth grader by now.

"You know I might have to start phasing so I can be in on what makes you come home so happy. It's hard to believe it's just a goodbye." He suggestively wagged his eyebrows at me.

Before Embry could ruin the sweet impressions from tonight with his creepy ideas, I raced upstairs, calling goodnight over my shoulder.

The next day I was happily babysitting a filtration process in the lab when Mr. Yuel came over with some bad news. Summer break was fast approaching. I knew I wouldn't be able to have as regular of times to run experiments but I figured at least once or twice a month I would be able to come in. Mr. Yuel had a different idea though.

"Mandy, how clever of you to think to use a ten micron filter before the one micron filter." I saw a few kids in the class turn their heads toward us and I ducked down over my work. It was always so embarrassing when Mr. Yuel gave me praise like this. "It really increases the effectiveness of the filtration, doesn't it?"

I thanked him and asked some follow up questions. But before ending our conversation he became slightly uneasy, "Mandy what are your plans for continuing your studies over the summer?"

"Well, I was hoping if the school and you were not opposed, we could design some experiments together, maybe starting to look at fruit fly genes. There's a chapter—"

"Yes, actually," Mr. Yuel interrupted me, "I was sort of hoping you'd say that. Well, you see I'm not going to be here this summer. I was asked to teach at the University of Berlin and my wife and I are very excited to have an excuse to travel around Europe." Seeing the look on my face, he quickly continued, "but well, I've been wanting to introduce you to a good friend and former student of mine at U-Dub. His interest is in genetics. He lives here, in La Push actually, and said he would be very happy to tutor you while I'm away. You'd have full access to the lab here at the school, or he may have some equipment at his house too. I've invited him to come today to meet the class and you in particular. I think you'll find him an amazing wealth of knowledge and experience."

But before I could answer, Mr. Yuel was already hurrying away to help two students who were not having quite as much success with their filtration, having managed to spill the entire contents of their experiment all over their lab bench.

I spent the next half-hour pondering who this tutor could be and if I could possibly be as comfortable with him as with Mr. Yuel. He had said it was someone in La Push? Was that possible? I wasn't aware there were any scientist types, especially ones interested in genetics. Dr. Marroh was the only one I thought could possibly fit that description but he was a family doctor and aging. There was no way he could be a former student of Mr. Yuel's.

As I was carefully separating the beaker full of liquid, that I'd collected from my filtration, into the individual trays, it hit me who it must be, who it had to be. I felt the pull almost instantly, the pull that meant my imprint was nearby and getting closer. I nearly turned the whole beaker over in my panic.

I wasn't ready for this. I needed to leave. I couldn't see him now. I'd been happily pretending for months he was the fourteen-year-old from Brady's memories. Would seeing him now ruin everything? But it was too late. He was almost here, probably at the door. I listened and heard his footsteps turn down E-hall where the lab was the first door he'd come to. My breathing stopped when I heard him say an easy hello to Mr. Yuel. Then they both turned to come toward me.

"She's only in 8th grade, like I mentioned Collin, but you'd never guess that. Just wait. She reminds me so much of you when we first met at U-Dub. The same excitement and natural intellectual curiosity," Mr. Yuel confided under his breath.

"Mandy…"

What was I supposed to do? I had to turn around at least, probably look up. I would just keep my eyes on Mr. Yuel.

"…This is who I was telling you about, my former student, Collin Chimakey. He's pursuing his Ph.D. at U-Dub right now and is specializing in genetics."

I could feel Collin's eyes on me but I just stupidly nodded my head and kept looking at Mr. Yuel.

He must have thought I was waiting for him to continue because his face became confused and then more formally he said, "Mandy, this is Collin. Collin, Mandy."

There was nothing left to do. I had to acknowledge him and held out my hand. A high-pitched "hi" was barely audible as I sucked in a nervous gasp of air.

When he shook my hand, I let my eyes meet his for a fraction of a second. But before he could say anything, I was turning to Mr. Yuel and hurriedly making my excuses. "Mr. Yuel, I'm not feeling very well. I think I better call it a day. My experiment is all labeled and will ideally be ready to test for results next time."

I turned and grabbed my things, not able to get out of this situation fast enough. As I rushed past a somewhat startled Mr. Yuel, I called back, "it was nice meeting you," which was obviously more for Mr. Yuel's sake than Collin's, although I hoped it would salvage something of whatever damage I was doing right now to that relationship.

When I got outside, pretending to walk toward the parking lot in case anyone was watching me, and then walking right past the last row of cars into the woods so I could run home, I was surprised how dark it was. It must have been at least seven o'clock. Collin would normally be outside of my window soon. Would he come tonight?

I thought about the way my hand burned in the brief second we had touched. I wanted to feel it again. But the same old fears wouldn't go away. I was not ready to be human with Collin yet. I still felt like an eighth grader and he still felt like…like a guy old enough to be my teacher.

I waited anxiously for Thursday, for the next patrol. He had come on Monday like usual and every night afterward waiting outside my window, doing who knows what. I couldn't imagine how boring it must be for him to sit out there in the woods, watching. Apparently I wasn't nearly as fearful as before because I phased twice before Thursday, hoping to catch his thoughts maybe coming home from U-Dub. Unfortunately all I heard was Jake running over to Nessie's house, and Embry laughing at me knowing exactly why I had phased.

When Thursday's patrol came and I could finally listen to Collin, all I heard was relief. He was excited to run together. Returning this excitement, I still couldn't help feel confused. Was he not angry at all?

"_Hi,"_ I greeted Collin when I came into the clearing where he, Josh, and Brady were waiting. _"Hey guys."_

"_You ready?"_ Collin asked at the same time Brady teased, _"She speaks! Or at least she does as a wolf. Not so interested in human communications yet?"_

I was mortified that Brady knew about my ignoring Collin so completely in Mr. Yuel's class on Monday. Then I was even more embarrassed for having remembered the incident for the rest of the pack. I bounded off in the direction we were going to start our patrol, calling back to Collin, _"Let's go."_

Quickly I sunk deep into the wolf's mind and only heard on the periphery Collin struggling with whether or not to broach the topic of Monday's encounter. Thankfully he stuck with the one word warnings and comments about the terrain as we ran. It took a bit longer than usual because of a scent we caught, which we thought had to be a vampire we didn't recognize. But then the scent just disappeared; and after looping back around it, closing in to where it vanished, we weren't sure in the end what it was.

Returning to where we began our patrol that night, Collin hypothesized with Brady what the disappearing scent might have been. Brady figured we shouldn't worry about it. He'd let Jake know so Nessie could see if she recognized it. The pack certainly wasn't as familiar with all the vampires that came through here as the Cullens were.

Then his thoughts turned to me and teased, _"Maybe there's another Mandy out there who can think forest and disguise their scent instead of their mind."_

Josh and Aidron laughed but Tamara was impatient. _"Very funny Brady. Can we go now? I'm beat and some of us have school tomorrow."_

"_Ah, you guys are such babies. Yes, go. We're done. Collin needs a minute anyway to—"_

"_Ugh. Yeah, we know. Let me phase first, please." _Tamara was already out of sight. Josh and Aidron were close behind her. Brady said a quick goodbye and was gone too.

I looked at the place where Brady had disappeared, my ears perking up attentively as I realized Collin and I were alone together.

"_I'm sorry about Monday, Mandy. I should have made some excuse to Daniel. But I didn't want to have to explain anything to him. He already suspects something is different about me."_

His voice was so normal. I stopped pawing the ground and looked up.

"_Yeah…" _But when I met Collin's eyes, my mind went blank, and then everything went out of control. Instead of just taking a normal breath, an actual whine came out. "_Oh my gosh,"_ I thought, _"get a hold of yourself Mandy."_ But what were we talking about? Mr. Yuel. That's right. _"I'm sure me arriving without a car all the time isn't doing much for his imagination." _

Why was I so nervous? I kind of paced a bit following the sound of a chipmunk off to the right and then tried again, _"I'm sorry for running out like that."_ Just get it over with. I forced my mind to think the words, _"I like the time we spend together on patrol."_

He barked a laugh, a relieved slightly restrained laugh. I could tell he was really ecstatic. _"Me too."_

I paced back, pawing at the dirt some more, trying to figure out what else to say, trying to escape from this way too comfortable feeling of being alone together.

"_So what did Mr. Yuel say when I left?"_ Oh this was awkward.

Collin smiled, breaking away from his own reverie. _"He was surprised. But I explained that you probably weren't comfortable being singled out and then thrown together with a stranger."_

I caught his memory though as he said this. He was replying to Mr. Yuel, "She's an eighth grader, Daniel. She won't want to be tutored by some strange guy. Have you thought about the legal implications? It's not that easy."

Yes, that pretty much summed it up. It was actually illegal for us to spend time together right now. My awkwardness was justified. But where did that leave us?

"_Hey Mandy, let's get you home. This was fun." _He was purposefully interrupting my disheartening train of thought. All I heard was gentleness in his voice. There were no hints of condescension, as though he were talking to an eighth grader, which was after all I reasoned just a technicality at this point.

He dropped me off near the edge of the woods to my backyard. _"I'll see you Saturday. Bye Mandy."_

"_Bye Collin."_ I phased and raced inside.

I could feel him nearby and listened carefully to determine he was in his usual spot in front of the house off the driveway. After getting ready for bed, I did something I had never done. I went to the window and waved goodnight. Not wanting to get a response, still not ready for that, I turned quickly away, turned off the lights, and crawled in bed.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

If I had thought saying goodbye was something to look forward to, actually having real full-length conversations made me giddy all week. Talking after patrol had become the new routine. As the months passed, our post-patrol exchanges became longer and I began sharing with him about my dysfunctional relationship with my mother and my lifesaving relationship with Embry. I couldn't help feeling more than a little jealous when Collin told me in turn about his totally normal childhood, growing up with an older brother who was now married with two kids and living in Bellevue, Washington. In fact, Collin had enjoyed his childhood so much that he still lived with his parents in La Push, having built with his dad an addition to the back of the house.

More months passed and he started taking me running around the hills he knew so well. We went to different cliffs in Makah and La Push. Some of these reminded me forcibly of the dream that I still had from time to time; the moon's rippling reflection in the water below us, the serenity of the cliffs. Standing out here now with him lit up by the moonlight on the water, I couldn't help the déjà vu of feelings and emotions.

"_What was that? What were you just thinking?"_ Collin had gotten really good at reading my mind, or rather catching those glimpses of emotions and memory that would surface before I quickly controlled them.

"_It's just a dream I keep having."_

Collin had long since mastered his thoughts, realizing I needed time to process things on my own, but he couldn't help the surprise and pleasure he felt at finding out I dreamed about him.

I wasn't used to this kind of intimacy with Collin though. We never talked about the way we felt about one another. Admitting I dreamed about him was taking a step toward dangerous ground, a place I was not sure I was entirely ready for.

To lighten the mood, I decided it was my turn to show him something I'd found. It was an enormous boulder between La Push and Makah. I passed it from time to time on my way to the lab at Makah High School. I'd never had the nerve to jump it. Tonight though I was feeling just a little reckless. Telling Collin about the dream had me a little too vulnerable. I needed to regain my footing.

_"Come on. It's my turn."_

"_Where are we going?"_ He had caught the tenor of my thoughts and was nervous at what I was going to do.

"_You'll see!"_ I focused solely on my surroundings letting the landscape draw me to the spot.

When the rock came into view, I ran a big arc around it trying to figure out at what angle I could jump it. I wasn't sure at this point how high I could jump, but I was fairly certain the worst that would happen was that I hit the boulder and knock myself out for a minute until my body heeled itself.

"_Mandy! Embry will kill me if you get hurt while we're together."_ I heard his panic but just barked a laugh. I needed to do this. I wanted to show him. I wanted to show myself. It was like this jump had something to do with me growing up, wanting him to know how strong I was, how the last two years had changed me.

I turned toward my charcoal wolf and raced at him, butting his side with my head with enough force to make him stagger. He regained his balance quickly looking at me alert and confused, but I was already gone running to the other side of the boulder as fast as I had ever gone and with a force that totally overwhelmed me. I was flying, no, rocketing into the air. It was the most exhilarating feeling until my front paws hit the top of the boulder. Suddenly I needed all my concentration to bring my back feet up and defy the gravity that was threatening me back down. Using all of my strength, I leaned forward and made my front paws pull me up. Two seconds later I was at the top.

"_Hey,"_ I called down to Collin. _"You better watch out."_ Even before the thought was finished, I had jumped down and was at his side, flopped lazily on the ground, the picture of relaxation. My thoughts on the other hand were anything but relaxed. I was jubilant. I'd jumped on top of the biggest boulder I'd ever seen! I'd done it. I couldn't be happier.

It took Collin a minute to recover. He paced away, torn between being terrified, impressed, worried, and relieved. These emotions translated into a small whine but then he finally sat down a couple feet in front of me still alert.

For the first time, I didn't like the distance. I wanted to be closer. Getting up – Collin watching me warily, me watching him pointedly – I turned around and laid down right next to him, close enough so I was leaning against his back haunches. His thoughts were once again a scramble. So I very carefully with my paw pushed his front paws away from him until he was on the ground too, his paw still on top of mine. It was almost like holding hands.

He just kept starting at me, his mind blank, reading my thoughts alone. So that's what I did too. We just looked at each other, paw on top of paw.

A bird's song hours later finally broke this vigil. As we heard it chirp just before dawn, Collin jumped up, freeing his paw, and said he better get me home. Neither of us said much of anything. Even where we normally would have said our goodbyes before breaking through the trees into my backyard, I just kept right on going so I could phase and get inside, happy to be lost in the euphoria of the night.

But as I stepped through the door, a warm Embry hand caught my arm and spun me around to face him.

"Mom is going to kill you. God Mandy, I'm glad you can spend time with Collin now, but you still have responsibilities here. At least wait until she's asleep and then you can go sneak out again. Mom was ready to call the police. She finally fell asleep but I bet she'll wake up in a minute to see if you're home."

Guilt pooled in my stomach. I should have come home earlier. "I'm so sorry Embry. Thanks for dealing with mom. I'll go talk to her." I headed toward the living room where I could hear mom snoring gently.

"Wait. Let her sleep." He relaxed a little and smirked. "She compared you to me, you know at the same age, grumbling around the house wondering why both her kids had decided to start ignoring her completely. We had quite the argument about how I was a bad influence on you. Go easy on her though. She's really been trying and as far as she's concerned you are only fourteen."

"Almost fifteen," I replied defensively.

"Hey that's right. What do you want to do for your birthday this year?"

He sounded like he was avoiding the obvious. "Aren't you going to ask me what I was doing all night?"

"Actually no. I remember fifteen pretty well and don't want any details from my sister."

"Oh Embry," I couldn't help it. I didn't have any friends I could gush to, so Embry would have to do. "We held hands, I mean paws, for hours!"

Embry gaped, shocked by my exclamation. But he recovered quickly and started rocking with laughter. "You held paws!? That is all you were doing for how many hours together? Nevermind. You don't need a birthday. You're still safely TWELVE, my sweet sweet Mandy." He reached out patronizingly to stroke my face, but before I could jerk away and slap his hand, we both heard Mom wake up.

"Mandy Call, you get over here right now!"

Warily I looked at Embry and got ready to make amends. I had quite the tongue lashing from my mother that night but honestly, I couldn't help but feel grown up. I was living my own life, apart from my mom, apart from Embry. Her yelling at me only emphasized that. What really surprised me as I listened to her though was the sympathy I suddenly had toward her and everything she'd lived through.

"I know we haven't understood each other much. Your fascination with things I can barely pronounce. But Mandy, I understand this. I understand spending the whole night out with a boy, believing you are in love. It's not worth it. Me and Embry, your family, we're the ones who love you okay. You don't need to go looking for it out there. You'll only end up in a lot of pain."

Mumbling back apologies, I actually felt sorry for my mom, finally understanding what kind of pain she must have lived with her whole life being so near and yet so far away from the guy she was in love with.

So I quietly listened to her, promising her and myself that I wouldn't do this to her again. However I was also trying to keep at bay another new emotion that was rippling at the edge of my consciousness: hate. That guy she was in love with, who caused her all this heartache, was my dad. The rage that built as I realized how completely my dad had destroyed her life was only held off by exhaustion. I had been up for twenty-four hours now and as much as I tried, I couldn't stay with any emotion for very long before my mind started drifting…drifting back to my charcoal wolf.

Later that day though, after I had slept most of it away, I thought again about my conversation with my mom and the anger shook me. Realizing it would be better to think about this outside of my house so if I exploded onto four paws I wouldn't break anything, I quickly scribbled a note to my mom telling her that I went for a walk and would be back in an hour. Then I raced outside into the woods.

My whole life I had always believed it was my mom's fault he wasn't around, that she was too crazy for anyone to really love. In reality it was him who had driven her to such extremes later in life, making promises about them together that he would not fulfill. I had no idea when, if ever, my mom would confide the whole truth to me about that relationship but one thing was clear: my father was to blame, not her. I knew only too well the truth that we cannot help who we love. We trust that person with nothing less than our whole selves. My dad had broken that trust and had broken my mom in the process.

In spite of the bitterness this realization brought, I also couldn't stop my thoughts from reminiscing about last night. I wondered where Collin was today, hoping that if I phased maybe he would find me. But a drawing was nagging at my mind, and I wanted to get it out on paper before it left. So I decided to wait until he came by the house tonight to try and talk to him.

Around 11 pm, when I was sure my mom had fallen asleep, I carefully stepped over the pencils and paper still scattered on the floor, and snuck downstairs out of the house; explaining to a wondering Embry as I passed that I was going to go talk to Collin for just a minute and I'd be right back.

It was a repeat of yesterday all over again. His mind was a scramble of shock as I phased and walked the long way around the house through the woods to meet him, securely hidden behind layers of dark fur and a muzzle.

"_It's going to take you a while to get used to this,"_ I reflected, _"but I guess I haven't made it very easy on you."_ I tried to not let my mind wander to comparisons between my dad keeping his distance from my mom and me keeping mine from Collin. That train of thought would only make me angry.

"_No, I mean, yes, it will take some time to get used to. But Mandy don't feel guilty that we're getting to know each other slowly. I was twice as old as you when we imprinted. I can't imagine how creepy it still is for you."_

He turned as I came into sight, slowly walking over to meet me. _"Hi…"_ came his smiling thoughts.

Now it was my turn to be overwhelmed as he ducked his head, briefly nuzzling the side of my face. He paced back and looked at me, waiting for my reaction.

"_Hey…"_ was all I could get out for a full minute. _"I didn't want to wait for the next patrol to see you."_

"_I'm glad you didn't. Three and four days are hard to wait to get some time with you."_

His eyes were still locked on mine. It took me another minute to collect myself. So much for not crossing onto the dangerous ground of sharing our feelings because right at this moment I wanted to hear more, tell him more, be close again like last night. I took a step forward but then remembered that Embry was waiting for me inside. I needed to concentrate.

"_Actually I wanted to talk about that. My mom kind of lost it when I came home at dawn this morning. I felt really bad about doing that to her so wanted to make sure it didn't happen again. I thought maybe instead of spending so much time together after patrol, we could space it out more and hang out on non-patrol nights as well." _

I couldn't stand it. I broke my gaze and took another step forward. Now I could feel his breath on top of my head.

Collin had only the briefest mental stutter at my sudden nearness then replied, _"That sounds great to me. This semester I'm doing a lot of course work and less lab work so my evenings and nights are fairly flexible, and my weekends are more or less free."_

We talked some about his research and since it was Saturday tomorrow, agreed to meet in the afternoon. There was no paw holding tonight but as I left, I brushed along his side, leaning into him. An hour later as I was falling asleep, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to lean against Collin when we weren't phased. I wasn't ready for that but I couldn't help thinking about it all the same. In reality I still really appreciated the protection the wolf cloaks offered us.

A few days later though Collin broached this topic unintentionally, asking about my birthday and what my mom and Embry were planning. When I told him about the birthday dinner they had arranged with some of my old childhood acquaintances, I heard the regret in his thoughts when he realized he wouldn't be invited.

"_It's not that I don't want you there, Collin. I love you. If I could spend my birthday with you running through the mountains, I would, but my mom is quite determined about this and I don't want to disappoint her…"_I trailed off at the look in his eyes, which were almost ferocious in their intensity.

He took the step to close all the distance there was between us, forcing my head to be pressed against his chest, and then ducked his down on top of mine. _"I love you too, Mandy. I will always love you."_

We just sat there a moment in this wolfish embrace, me enjoying his breath on my neck, and him enjoying the closeness.

"_Don't worry about your birthday dinner. I'll count on having many more birthdays with you that we can spend together human."_

I struggled to free my head so I could look at him, my thoughts apologetic about needing the wolf disguise. But he wouldn't let me apologize.

"_When you're ready Mandy. We have lots of time."_

*****

Time was certainly going to have to be on our side. At my birthday dinner, I saw Rachel for the first time in probably almost a year. She had certainly changed, both physically and emotionally. All the necessary womanly curves had filled out on her now too. It was amusing to watch her revel in all these changes. I had long since gotten over the awkwardness of having an adult body.

After dinner she came up to my room and told me about how boys were looking at her chest and she couldn't help but like the attention. In fact all she talked about was boys and how many dates she'd gone on and which ones she's kissed. I smiled and nodded and waited for her to leave. I couldn't even begin to understand how she was so happy about all of this.

Unfortunately when she did decide to go and I walked her gratefully to the door, my mom was there so I couldn't get out of the invitation she gave to go the beach with her and other mutual acquaintances the following week. My mom was just thrilled to see me spend time with girls my age, my supposed friends according her.

Collin laughed when I summarized the evening for him and finished with, _"apparently my mom has me pegged as some loner with a mystery boyfriend that I spend all night with from time to time."_

"_Well that's not as far off as you'd like to think. We should try to find you some real friends to hang out with Mandy."_

"_There's always Brady."_

He barked a short laugh. _"I meant girls. Human teenage girls. Have fun at the beach!"_ He teased and then bounded off.

Beach days came and went over the next year. I did hang out more with Rachel and another friend Meghan, who I had known once upon a time. Yet these times together always felt more like an obligation, a quota I should fill to be normal. It was nothing I enjoyed since I had so little in common with either of these girls. Their greatest ambition in life it seemed was to attract attention on the beach with stunning swimwear. Talking about an experiment I was excited about, or planning to take a class at U-Dub this summer was just not on their radar.

So when Rachel finally got a steady boyfriend half way through the year, I decided it would probably be better for me not to go to the beach anymore.

"_It's insane. I know they mean as much to each other as the short lived byproducts of a high energy plasma reaction, but I have to admit, I'm jealous."_ I ranted to Collin one day when we were out near Seattle on one of our afternoon runs. _"They're both the same age. And there's none of the confusion or pressure of imprinting."_

He nudged me playfully, _"I like imprinting."_

"_Well, but you know what I mean. You'll never be my boyfriend. Imprinting just skips over that part. So basically I'll never get to be silly with you on the beach, or go to the movies, or even show up at a school dance."_

"_Yes, but you can run to Seattle and back with me in one afternoon."_

"_Oh forget it."_ I was feeling stubborn, and being ridiculous. Collin was right. How could I feel sorry for myself?

"_Did you want to go to a school dance?"_ He asked more seriously.

I thought about that a minute but all I could see was dancing out here in the forest. _"No. But one day, maybe."_

"_I've been thinking about this. When you start at the U in a few semesters, we can go to dances there together. We look the same age."_ And then as an after thought he added, _"If you're ready."_

"_I will be." _

As I raced back home with him, I promised myself I would be ready. I didn't know when but it would be soon. We would not only be silly on the beach, but we would go cliff diving too, something Brady couldn't believe I still hadn't done.

Readiness came sooner than I expected. La Push and Makah's tribal councils decided to put on an art show together, celebrating our intertwined history. Although I hadn't initially thought about submitting my work, when I saw they were particularly interested in the legends of the wolves, I decided this was something I should do for my mom and Collin. Both of them only saw one side of me and it was time they both got to see the other side. I needed to stop hiding behind the wolf and just be Mandy, even if it was a little messy.

The exhibit would be up for a month, with a gallery event and a meet-the-artists night starting things off. Select pieces chosen by the artists would be sold at a silent auction opening night to help support community arts. I was shocked to find out that I was going to be the featured artist for the evening. My pieces were so revelatory and I didn't know if I could have both communities witness so much of the sordid chaos my life had been the past three years.

I wanted to tell Collin about the event before he read about it somewhere else, but apparently he had gotten the word as soon as I had because that night when we met, his thoughts were cautious as he congratulated me.

"_How did you know?"_

"_My mom's on the art council Mandy. She couldn't stop telling me about this young artist here in La Push who just understood the Quileute people so well and who captured the beauty and the pain in every stroke." _He laughed as I rolled my eyes at him. _"Can I see them, please? Even if it's not at the opening event."_

I had never shown Collin any of my artwork, it being more a history of me working out my feelings towards him than a history of the Quileute tribe. It was a shame that he had to see them with so many other eyes, that his mom had seen them first, but this was the opportunity I had been waiting for even if it wasn't how I had imagined it.

"_Collin, come to the opening. I'll need the support."_

His ears went back, defensively. _"Are you sure? I mean of course I'll come if you want me there. But Mandy, are you sure?"_

I stepped up and nuzzled him softly until he relaxed. _"I want you there."_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The day of the show came, ironically on the anniversary of when I first phased. My pieces were scattered throughout the gallery, the largest one displayed prominently at the bottom of the stairs just inside the entrance. In spite of glancing toward the door every two seconds to see if Collin had come in yet, I was really enjoying myself, getting to talk nonstop about art. People were fascinated, not repulsed, by my drawings and the explanations I gave.

Collin had been nearby all night; I could feel his tug. I wasn't sure why he had waited to come in, but I was glad he had. After an hour of such affirming conversations about something I not only enjoyed but also was good at it, I was ready for Collin to see me too. He walked in, catching my eye and smiled. I wanted to run up to him right then but I was in the middle of talking to one of the La Push elders.

Jake and Nessie came in later with Embry, who was of course exercising his bragging rights to the fullest. It was good to see Nessie after all this time. The frantic need I had always felt before when she was around – the desperate hope that since she could hold together all the pieces of her crazy life, maybe she could do the same for me –

wasn't there at all. Strangely we were on equal footing, even as exposed as I was in this moment. Watching her with Jake only made me all the more anxious to go and find Collin.

I saw him still near the front of the gallery, having not moved past my initial piece. I went and stood next to him.

"That night, when we sat together with our paws overlapping, it put everything else in perspective. That's why all those circling lines threatening to come in and destroy the serenity of the moment, can't get through. They're in a different plane; they're no longer part of us." After a moment I added, "This one's not being auctioned tonight. It's for you, when the exhibit is done."

He turned to say something but a woman from the gallery came bustling up interrupting us just then to tell me I needed to meet someone from Makah who had just arrived. I smiled apologetically at Collin enjoying how normal it felt, and allowed myself be dragged away, mouthing to him that I'd talk to him later.

After the awards had been given, the auction closed, and a speech heard by the elders from both Makah and La Push, the gallery finally began emptying out. My mom was one of the last to leave. I was shocked when she had told me last week that we were going shopping in Port Angeles so we could both have new dresses to wear to the event. She never came to things in the community. I had thought at most she would slip in and out. But I soon realized she planned to not only bring me to the event but also stay the entire time. She was right there in front when they gave me my award, clapping as loud as Embry. For most of the evening she was my shadow, listening carefully as I explained about the different pieces, taking my hand from time to time as I think she realized if not that I was literally the wolf in the pictures, that metaphorically the wolf symbolized my own childhood struggles.

The pain never completely left her eyes that evening; and yet it was the happiest I had ever seen her. I'm not sure if it was just the fact that I was the one being honored, or if my drawings helped her cope with her own ever-present grief, but for that night she was able to put her regrets aside so she could see and validate my own.

She left with Embry and I told them I would see them at home. Collin wasn't there but I knew he was still close by. I wanted to go find him. Walking toward the woods, I thought at first he might have phased, which worried me; as though in spite of what tonight was supposed to represent, all he could now see was the hidden Mandy behind a wolf. My fear was unfounded though. I heard and saw him at the same time, step out from the edge of the trees and come to meet me.

He smiled widely. "I don't know what to say."

He didn't need to say anything. His unconcealed delight said everything. I grabbed his hand as naturally as if we'd been walking this way for years.

"Did you like the one I did for you?"

"As if you have to ask Mandy. You captured the emotion so well. I'm just in awe." He lifted up my hand and brushed it lightly across his lips and then continued, "I'm glad we didn't lose the last three years to memories. Even the painful ones deserve to be captured in those dark chaotic lines around us. They may be held at bay, but they also give us shape. It wasn't just Quileute history I saw tonight. It was ours. It was you."

I smiled. He was right. Instead of getting the normal life I had always imagined, I ended up loving the life I had and the people in it. All the pain and confusion that until recently was all I could see, was actually just another part of a much bigger picture, a much bigger person: me.

"Thank you. Thank you for sticking with me Collin."

He stopped and slowly brought our intertwined hands up between us, pulling me closer to him. Studying our hands for a moment, he exhaled slowly, "Thank you Mandy."

It was déjà vu. I was back in my dream, but there wasn't any need now to wake up when our eyes met. At last we saw each other and together we could face anything, even ourselves.

**THE END**

**Postscript**

Mandy and Collin go on to earn their MD/PhDs together at the University of Washington, specializing in genetics. Afterwards, they return to La Push, set up their own lab, and teach middle school and high school science. They are the pack doctors. They have three kids and one of them likes to draw with Mandy. They all still annoy Uncle Brady with the Periodic Table of the Elements when they can.

**End Note**

The vampire scent Mandy and Collin smell is a new vampire the Volturi have acquired as part of their guard. He has a talent for disguising his scent into his surroundings. So Brady is actually right in his guess when he teases Mandy about a disappearing vampire thinking like the forest. Caius is hoping to use this new vampire and a special elite force to go in and start wiping out the werewolves.

When Mandy and Collin catch his scent, he is actually just in the trees above them, but is alone so doesn't want to be caught by the two of them. Instead he goes back to Volterra and makes his report. Caius is pleased that his attempt to get that close to the werewolves worked, because he knows Alice Cullen is still monitoring the Volturi's movements.


End file.
